This Week - Being faithfull, Being turned down and Being avoided

Seb loves his porn: Hi James. I've just found a new boyfriend who doesn't seem at all interested in porn. I really enjoy it - looking a pictures, magazines and movies. I must look at something almost every day for a few minutes a day, but he never does and doesn't really seem to approve of me doing it. He keeps asking why I like porn when I'm already having good sex with him. He then gets all defensive and asks if he's no good in bed, and silly questions like that. Actually he's lovely to be with and I keep telling him that, but pictures of other guys is something else entirely. Which of us should change here? I've never gonna be able to stop looking at good looking guys, and he just doesn't like me doing it, and almost thinks I'm being unfaithful to him - which I am not.

James says: Seb, you need to talk this through with him very sensitively and in an understanding way. Different people have different sex drives, they have different likes and dislikes and a range of divergent needs. We are not all the same and after all it is our differences which make us attractive to one another.

You need to explain to your boyfriend that you understand that he's not interested in porn but that you are. He needs to appreciate it is part of your makeup. Looking at a picture of another guy doesn't mean you are likely to run off with him, just like looking in a shop window doesn't mean you are going to buy everything that's on display.

For a lot of people porn helps to put some pep into their sex drive. For others it's an irrelevance. He shouldn't disapprove of something just because it doesn't excite him.

Relationships are built of give and take. There may be things he likes to do socially and sexually which aren't your favourites, and the same will be true in reverse. Building a relationship together means that you understand each other's needs and either learn to enjoy them together, or at the least you learn to accommodate them.

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Dominic is crushed: Hi James, please help me, I'm devastated. I have been going out with a guy for 4 years and we've lived together for just over 3 years, and last week I asked him to marry me. He said no. He says he wants to stay with me, and he loves me but doesn't want to make a commitment like that. Should we split up? I just don't see what the point of being with him any more is, and since he turned me down our sex life has stopped. I feel totally betrayed.

James replies: Dominic you have to work out what you see your game plan being for the rest of your life. If you have always wanted to marry someone and settle down into a long lasting relationship with the two of you at its centre then clearly you have to communicate that to your boyfriend.

Not everyone in the world, whether they are gay or not, wants that sort of life, they want their independence and the flexibility to do what they want when they want to do it. For others a marriage and a monogamous relationship is their ideal.

If he wants one thing and you want the other, then the two of you have to gently explain that to one another. It should not be confrontational or dramatic, you should talk calmly when you have the time to work through your feelings, and not when you are wound up, stressed or drunk. Be kind to one another and try to understand his feelings while he understands yours.

If it is the case that you want different things out of life then ultimately that does mean that the two of you will need to part. It's better you realise that now and do something sooner rather than later, so you have a chance with others to make the life you want.

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Jason calling around: James, what's the right thing to do when contacting an escort? I've called guys before who publish their number on sites, only to be told they can't talk to me now. So I started texting people or emailing them in advance and never seem to get a reply. I can't believe that some escorts say in their ads to call, text or email, and when you do - they seem annoyed you rang (even during the day or early evening) or they just don't respond. What's a boy to do?

James answers: Hi Jason, this is a difficult one. I am afraid there are no rules about this, as each escort will operate in his own way.

Quite a lot of guys like to talk on the phone with a client before they meet. There are many reasons for this. The most overwhelming is to try and ascertain whether the person contacting them can be trusted and what it is they are after. There are a lot of people who call escorts and just waste their time - in particular, by having heavy sex chats on the phone that never lead to an appointment - or any payment.

You have to understand that this is a business that they are running and if on a regular basis people don't turn up and pay then that becomes a serious problem for the escort.

Quite a number of guys are also worried about meeting people who might put them into a situation they weren't expecting or one that is aggressive or dangerous, so talking with people on the phone first can be helpful.

However, it is also true that just calling out of the blue can mean you interrupt them with another client, or catch them in the supermarket when they can't talk, or when they are with friends or family who may not know that they escort.

I think the best answer here - it isn't fool proof, but it is probably the best answer - is for you to text the escort and ask if now is a good time to call him. Most guys will answer that sort of a text and give you a time to call, or say to call now. The text also helps break the ice between you.

If an escort does not answer that sort of a text within a few hours, then I should move on. You may not get an instant reply for all sorts of good reasons but 3 or 4 hours is a reasonable time to wait for a message back. There are plenty of escorts to choose from and if you don't hear anything from him then you may have just contacted someone who's not going to be that reliable anyway.

The tone of the messages and calls should be a good indication as to whether the two of you will be a good match or not, so some reasonable communication before you meet is always a useful thing. Good Luck!

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