SPEAKING OF PERSONAL ADS

Guys have been advertising for sex for a long, long time, writing classified ads for magazines or their local gay newspapers. But the advent of the Internet has turned writing cock commercials into a boom business.

"I don't need to hang out in bars anymore, just because I want a shag," says one guy. "Now I advertise online, and only go to gay bars to have a beer and socialise."

But not all sex ads are created equal. So how can mere words get you what you want?

"It's one thing to advertise for a guy who gets off by sitting naked on balloons till they pop. But requiring that he be a muscular redhead may be asking a bit too much." So decide: are you searching for that skinny boy in his mid-20s who loves dressing in drag and eating from a bowl on the floor? Or just looking to get your dick sucked by somebody - anybody - who doesn't remind you of your least favorite cousin?

Distinguish between your requirements ("Safe sex only") and your preferences ("Hairy and uncut are pluses") and you're more likely to find a guy to play with. And like Mum always told you, be nice. Attitude is rarely attractive. Saying "no fats, old men, or ethnics" is unnecessarily insulting when you can say "I prefer slim, young white men" instead.

Be frank about what you have to offer, too. As with advertising of all sorts, honesty may be the best policy, but honesty can be bent. Still, assuming you actually want to meet someone and not just engage in endless correspondence, the truth will come out sooner or later. Online message boards are replete with warnings about men who showed up looking quite different from what their ad promised, guys who subtracted five years and added an inch or three. As one cruiser says, "Look at nine inches on a ruler. How many times have you seen a cock that size, really? Yet online everyone seems to be at least that big. Only problem for me is that I'm turned on by small dicks."

Make the real you sound as hot as you dare. You can always accentuate the positive. "A little extra meat" sounds nicer than "overweight," and that sounds nicer than "fat." Still, a rose-tinted self-presentation may not always be best. "Sometimes I'm looking for men who are frankly fat," says one man who shops online for sex. "Not a slightly chubby guy. A man who's fat and unafraid to say so." So if you are in fact a balding middle-aged man with small equipment and a big belly, remember that there are other guys into just that very type, and they're precisely the men you want to answer your ad.

Which brings up another suggestion: remember to cast your line where the fish are. Looking for fellow foot fetishists? Then advertise on a foot-play-oriented website. Same with small dicks, or bears. It's an age of specialization, and there's a screw somewhere that fits even the oddest hole.

So sit down, write that ad, and order up the screw of your dreams.

Simon Sheppard

San Francisco artist and activist Simon Sheppard is best known for his contributions to the erotic literary scene. He wrote hundreds of stories that appeared in S/M magazines; erotic anthologies; and over twenty editions of Best Gay Erotica and Best American Erotica. His Sextalk column has appeared on OutUK for more than 20 years. You can find out more about Simon Sheppard in this OutUK feature and tribute, or take a look at some of his many books that are still available:

       

Looking for something very sexy and just as smart? Man on Man collects the best and hottest gay sex writing by Simon, who is also co-editor of Rough Stuff: Tales of Gay Men, Sex, and Power as well as a collection of gay erotica called Hotter Than Hell.

In KINKORAMA : Dispatches from the Front Lines of Perversion he takes readers behind the unmarked doors and black vinyl curtains that lead to the sometimes shocking, often hilarious, relentlessly arousing scenarios of extreme sex. There are also stories of bears in Tales from the Bear Cult: Beat Bear Stories from the Best Magazines.